Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Pity Party Musings for the New Year

Here we are starting another new year.  Many people are reflecting on the last year and making plans for the new one.  I think our 2013 was good.  We all survived it and are ready to take on another one.  

This was our last New Year's Eve in Sicily.  We spent the night at home, playing Monopoly and watching movies and just relaxing.  We really are home bodies.  We enjoy just being at home, doing nothing in particular.  We were invited (somewhat last minute) to a gathering, but declined instead stayed home to enjoy our family time.  I think it's easy for me to decline such invitations because I know that this time next year, I'll still be with these crazy people that are my family and in all reality may never see the people here ever again.  Or if I do see them, it will be in passing.  I've become painfully aware of how very few truly close friends I have in this world.  I suppose it's my personality that puts people off from getting close.  I think my honesty is too much for most people, but I refuse to lie.  I think it's disrespectful to lie to people.  

 I'm tough.  I'm strong.  I don't have to have people around me all the time or anything like that.  However, sometimes I do get my feelings hurt and feel jealous (but would never tell anyone!).  Sometimes I wonder why no one asks us to go anywhere with them.  Are my kids too much to handle?  Am I too much to handle?  I see families getting together with others to travel, go out sightseeing or just out to eat and wonder why no one ever asks us.  I guess I've made it clear that we don't have a lot of money to be doing that so even if they would have liked to ask us they won't.  I don't know. I think it's more likely that I'm just not the kind of person people want to hang out with.  Most of the time it's okay; but some times, some days I cry over it.  

I'm ready to move along to our next assignment.  In the States it's easier for me to do my own thing and not feel sad or rejected because I can do whatever I want and it's not difficult. Simple things here are difficult due to the cultural and language differences.  If I want something I have to brave the traffic, then try to decipher the language on packaging or even scarier; I have to try to communicate with someone.  I'm ready to just be home.  I can speak English.  I can go anywhere and do anything without hesitation.  

We are supposed to go back to Virginia and that makes me happy.  I know some people that still live there. I'll have been gone three years by the time we get back there so I don't know if people will want to hang out or how much everyone will have changed, but I'm hoping it will be good.  

I guess all of this rambling I'm doing is really my way of saying that I'm tired of chameleon fake friends.  I'm tired of the "we should get together and do such and such or so and so" and at first I'm excited about the possibility and then the sad realization that it wasn't sincere and were just words hits me and it breaks my heart.  

I want to live sincerely this New Year.  I want to have genuine and real relationships with people that want me to be their friend.  


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